Lateness Ch. 19

I don’t know what to expect.
This doesn’t make any sense.
What should I do?
A clinically insane man certifiably crazy enough to be banished into Frumious Bandersnatch Asylum stands in front of me, claiming, that, despite the obvious impossibility, he and I are one and the same.

That cannot be.

Kevin looks onward with a searching gaze. It is an expression I know all too well.

It is the face I use to get a decent, non-insane answer out of Andy. It is the face I unintentionally make when I am confused and want to know more.

I have never seen anyone else carry that visage. Until now.

“...How??” Is all I manage to squeak out.

Kevin doesn’t answer at first, he only continues to smile his apologetic smile.

Then he speaks.

“Gillian...when you...we...broke your...our...promise to Anderson, something inside of ourself gave up. I can’t quite explain it any other way...since then, you’ve blamed Anderson for everything...and you should!”

“Not so fast!” I shout, attempting to snatch back some of the dignity I lost from my tumble down the stairs. “If you’re really me and you’re telling me all this, then I have a chance! Because now that I know that I love Andy, I won’t think of him that way!”

“But the way you feel IS the reason you will come to hate Anderson, Gillian...”

“That’s a lie! I’ll never betray my best friend! I should tell him how I feel right now if you’re that insistent! And then you’ll know!” I head for the exit once more in short, indignant strides, but Kevin slips in front of the doorway just before I reach it.

“I’m not letting you leave until you come to terms with this situation in its entirety, Gillian. You are me.”

“Prove it!”

Silence. Kevin looks as if he knows he should tell me something crucial, but doesn’t want to for any number of reasons.

“Gillian...if I tell you the truth, you and Anderson will never be happy with the knowledge.”

“You keep saying that our lives are gonna end in tragedy anyway, like that...that...story you were telling me about!” Our voices are gradually becoming louder and louder. Hopefully we’re far enough under the palace that no one can hear us.

“Romeo and Juliet?”

“Yeah! And now you have the gall to withhold information from me that might allow me to prevent something that will ruin our relationship together?”

“Just promise me, at the very least, that you won’t tell Anderson how you really feel.”

“I can’t do that, Kevin! I need to know!” Tears squeeze out of the corners of my eyes involuntarily. My voice is cracking. “I need to know so many things...how it’s possible for you to be me...how Andy feels about me...if he feels the same , or if it was only out of pity that he treated me the way he did at all...”

“You’d better not ask that mad old fool to answer that question, you little milquetoast.” A voice calls out from the doorway. A voice I’ve known for years and years, that belongs to an individual that gave so much for me, and never asked for anything in return...

“Andy!” I run to the doorway, but this time, instead of running away in a rage, it’s to wrap my beloved Andy in a heartfelt embrace. “You don’t know how glad I am to see you!”

“Well, you were missing for a heckofa long time. Also, I could hear your voice from out in the hallway, and I saw the open door leading down to here.”

“Oh, Andy...” I bury my face into his strong shoulders, in utter bliss. “I have something to tell you...” I mumble into his vest. Maybe he won’t hear me too well and put me on the spot to confess.

No such luck. Andy slowly pulls me away from his warm chest and asks, “What did you say?” which such a searching glance it’s taking all that’s in me not to become a pushover again. Time to assert my newfound princely authority!

“Okay, well lately I was thinking to myself about how we met and you saved my life, and how you’ve always been there to cheer me up, and all the times you spend every waking moment to make sure I was safe, and when I realized you were a Diamond you were still so kind to me and I wondered why and then you told me you knew my mother personally and I was wondering if you only liked me out of pity or because of some promise you made with my mother, but then I thought back to how much you wanted me to stay in Wonderland and when I didn’t all Hell broke loose and...”

Oh, yes, excellent work on retaining your newfound courage, Gillian.

Before I know it, I’m wrapped up in Andy’s arms again. He holds me tightly, like I’m something only half here and he’s afraid I’ll disappear like a Cheshire Cat if he doesn’t hold on.

We stay like this for some time, just listening to each other breathe hesitantly, but more content than we could afford to be in the past, now that we’re together...Then at last, Andy speaks, stroking my ears just like I like him to. I can almost see him grinning madly into my ear as he whispers.

“Did ya ever think back to that time I undressed in your bedroom, since you were being so thoughtful and nostalgic?”

“N-no! Never! Wh...why would I think about that???” I sputter indignantly. At least I’ve got some arrogant foppishness, as a prince should. Somehow, I don’t think that’s enough...

Andy sweeps some hair that’s fallen in my eyes out of my face. He smirks lightheartedly, a look of his I thought I’d lost forever. “Hmmm, well, if you wanted, we could do it again...”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!” I huff. “You never change, do you, Andy?”

Andy simply draws me back into his embrace, smiling a little sadly this time. “Never, unless it’s for you.”

~~~~

“Well, much as I absolutely adore seeing adolescents find true love, as I do happen to see so often in the hallways of my school back in New York City, I must cut this lovely scene short!” And with that absurd remark, Kevin plows his entire body in between Andy and I. We both reluctantly back away.

“Kevin! I forgot you were here!” I exclaim.

“Oh, yes...love is love is love, and you’ll never acknowledge anyone else, not now, not ever, as long as you’ve got each other...” Kevin’s bitter words are injected with as much spite as he can muster. I’ve never heard him talk in such a dark tone, even when he was predicting my future...“Didn’t I tell you? This union will only lead to unhappiness...” He hisses out this last word, leaning into my face to clutch my neck lightly in his hand. His long nails dig deeper and deeper  into my flesh.

Andy come to my rescue. “Let him go, happiness or unhappiness.” He struggles to free me from Kevin’s grasp, but Kevin persists, still hissing. Andy turns to Kevin and delivers one solid punch to his face. Kevin’s hissing wavers, and he faints, raking off the outer skin of my neck as he falls. Warm blood trails slowly down, staining my bedclothes.

“We’d better get you out of those.” Andy says with a completely straight face.

I give Andy the most dominating look I can muster. He responds by picking me up bridal style.

“I meant to clean you up! Honestly, how can you look at your new boyfriend that way?”

BOYFRIEND???

As Andy carries me up and out of the gloomy little den, I think I can almost hear something...a voice...promising something...but it must be my imagination, most certainly.
~~~~

“Doesn’t this look much better?”

it’s a good thing Andy’s regained his mad humor, or else I would rip this preposterous getup off at once. Andy, after sending me to take a bath and stop the flow of blood, carefully and tenderly dressed the wound himself, and then laid out a handpicked outfit for me to wear. Without looking at it too much, I put it on.

Now, looking at myself in the reflective walls of the main foyer of the palace, I regret not inspecting Andy’s fashion choices further.

Little pink slippers adorn my black stockinged feet, my legs coated in a laughable pair of to-the-knee trousers in such a bright red I’m sure that creating so bright of a fabric must be a serious crime somewhere in the esoteric regions of Wonderland. What’s more, useless little buttons of shiny and colorful variations line the outside of the offensive pants. Where could Andy have found these? Over that, a tiny little frilly skirt that I’m certain truly belongs to Satsuki, and then a thin “belt” of black silk and various trinkets dangling about it. My undershirt is flouncier than I am used to, with a wide and frilled ascot and more foofaraw down the middle where the oversized pearlescent buttons lie.  Over this, I wear a slick black jacket and some match gloves, none of which I’ve never seen Eddie without. But the crowning attraction of this ever-so-charming ensemble is the complex web of elegantly colored ribbons Andy is currently winding into my hair.

It’s unbearably hot in this ludicrous costume! And is that Andy’s own vest that I see underneath Eddie’s jacket? How did he slip that into there without me knowing? And why does it have to smell so delectably like marshmallows? Hmm..that is a nice aroma...maybe just another breathful...

“Do you like it?” The offender in question asks, completing the finishing touches on the ribbons.

“Like it! Andy, I can barely move! And even if I could, I think I’d overheat! The sun is out today! Didn’t you think of that? And another thing...”

I AM wearing Andy’s vest.

And he isn’t wearing anything for that very reason.

“ANDY!!” Don’t look at his chest, don’t look at his chest...

“Oh, what? Too much too soon for your innocent young eyes?”

“Absolutely not! I won’t allow this mode of dress in MY palace! Put some clothes on at once!”

Andy chortles as he replies (almost mockingly),“Yes, sir...um, Your Majesty?”

I snort in reply,“We’re close enough that you don’t have to address me as that if you do not wish it so, Andy.”

“Alright, you’re the boss...but, Gilly?”

“Yes, Andy?” I say in my most serious Prince voice.

“You’re sort of...staring at me. How am I supposed to dress?”

“Oh for...!” I quickly yank off Eddie’s jacket and the vest and hide my flushing face in the vest as I hold out the jacket for Andy to put on.

“What about my vest?”

“Enough of this foolishness! PUT IT ON!!”

“It’s in your other hand...and you’re burying your face in it...why, does it smell like me?”

“Oh for...TAKE IT!!” I toss it directly at him. He catches it easily, offering his typical silly smile.

“Thanks.”

“Andy...” I sigh, feeling ages older when it’s only been a few weeks, a month at most, that any of this nonsense ever happened to little old me, Gillian Buni Maxwell, White Rabbit, Ordinary Club-turned-Prince of Hearts, and...boyfriend...of Anderson Diamond, my supposed enemy once upon a time forgotten...
~~~~

...I’ve forgotten. Forgotten what it’s like when Kevin was around. He’s been missing for half a year now. Miss Ace Satsuki (her official title, as we’ve grown accustomed to referring to each other as) and Edmund (He’s apparently “too old” to be called “Eddie” any longer), once his old students before throwing away their New Yorker lives, have begun to miss him, especially, to everyone’s surprise, Edmund.

Much has changed in only six months. Today, I’ve finally become a sixteen year old, and during the time elapsed, became a good deal taller with my rapidly approaching maturity. I’m only a few inches shorter than the 5’11” Andy now. With all of my late-night reading of Wonderland’s historical and political past (someone has to rule the country, and it’s obviously got to be me, so I’ve invested into this wholeheartedly), my eyesight has worsened, so now I wear glasses. I’m not outside to play any longer, so my hair has stopped absorbing the sun’s lightning rays, and as a result, my hair is now blond and hits just above my shoulders in all it’s unruly glory.

In Andy’s honor, I’ve dressed up in a facsimile of the outrageous outfit he once dressed me into. I’ve omitted most of the ruffles this time around, replaced the effeminate slippers with heavy boots, and wear my official, specially tailored (and heavily decorated with medals and status symbols) “Jack of Hearts” military jacket over it (designed in part by the badass-as-ever Edmund), instead of the layers and layers of coats and other articles belonging to others. The red pants still remain, but gone are the unnecessary fastenings, and I’ve gotten the length to be adjusted to something less awkward than right-at-the-knee by the royal tailor. Since I’ve grown they would be like shorts to me if I hadn’t altered them.

Andy has changed, too. His smiles seem emptier, not just because he’s thinned out a great deal, but because of a silent haunting about him. I can only console him through affection, and though it’s worked in the past, now when I throw him a kiss, his worried glances remain.

Oh, but the festivities will surely rid him of this gloom.  I’ve even called up our new Defenders of the Border, the Joker Lotti and her brigade, to join in my birthday celebration. Alice (now my personal nightguard) even agreed to push aside her responsibilities, though seeing as Andy’s lovingly protected me for the last half a year, she’s hardly got any anymore, except cooking, which is apparently her secret passion.

Today, she said she’d whip up something delectable, knowing I’ve hardly eaten anything delicious in quite some time, what with all my nonstop studying.

Almost everyone has arrived. Lotti says she’s only missing a few more soldiers, but they’re sure to arrive shortly with a special surprise for me. I thank her, grateful for her tenacity in spite of her continual grievance for her beloved brother.

We all miss him, very, very much. Even Lotti’s army shares her sympathies, though they never even knew Blotto.

I think I’d better check with Alice to make sure she’s baked enough for Lotti’s entire force. I kiss Andy on the cheek and let him know that I’ll be back in just a minute. He stares back at me emptily, even through the kiss. I try to imagine him softening up in reaction to it once I leave. He’s really become quite the shy one in our relationship lately, but I still love him, through and through.

I pass a mirror on my way to the kitchen, and stop in my tracks. I haven’t seen my reflection in so long...My appearance is so drastically different from my not-so-distant boyhood, that I can’t help but take notice of every change I’ve gone through.

Hmmm, that’s so odd...long, messy blond hair...glasses, revealing wide-open crimson irises...I bear such a strong resemblance to...

As if in a flash of lightening, his image superimposes mine, than disappears just as quickly as it came.

Kevin McGregor!

I am not quite the coward I was any longer, but the thought of that despicable man’s return...I stagger about in shock, unable to arrive at the kitchen in such a state. I set about returning to Andy. He needs some love today...and I deserve it, being the birthday boy and all.

Blood.

It’s EVERYWHERE.

On the picture rail, on the walls in morbid paint splatters of hemorrhage. Slick and almost black over the table tops, staining the canvases of my late family’s portraits...

All over Andy’s body.

All over the knife in Andy’s hand placed just inches from a deep gash burrowing into his scrawny chest...

Oh, Andy!!

Andy, my love!!

How could you!!

How could I?? I had not seen your silent suffering, only batted it away!! How could I be so foolish, to think my love could heal you??

Why??

Oh, WHY?!!?

And somewhere inside my mind, a little spider’s web of information reconstructs itself, recalling things seen and read in the past...

...A little black diary...

...a cubic desk with many-bladed hollows...

...Kevin McGregor’s reflection and mine...intermingling...

“I am you!”

...

I am an ass. A pure-blooded ass.

~~~~

That night, I spent no time among the living. My revelers who celebrated the day of my birth would not find my thoughts about this day as the anniversary of my life, but the anniversary of my sole beloved’s death.

I did not tell them, that would upset them. I simply withdrew myself and complained if indigestion should anyone voice concern. But inside, I was filling my empty, heartbroken vessel with tears of grievance.

I couldn’t possibly be happy anymore.

Not when I have no one to truly live for any longer.

Not when I must live on and protect my land with this heartbreak in my thoughts eternally.

Not when I now realize I am slowly diverging from my previous aspirations towards the path of Becoming Kevin McGregor. When the fệte is over at last, I quickly steal to the old basement of Kevin McGregor and snatch up the little black journal, hoping to undo what I shall write before I even write it.

But the pages are blank.

That cannot be! How could this happen!

I am left to worry and wonder when the day shall come when I shall add to this Record of Misery.
~~~~

In my bed, I spend the restless night dissecting the name “Kevin McGregor” for any signifiant meaning. I find no blatant reason why I would ever change my name to such a thing. I turn over each of the letters in every possible order I can think of and find nothing. Even the clue that I may someday be an English teacher brings no light to the mystery.

And all throughout my tormented birthday night, an awfully familiar voice calls out...”I told you...I toooold yoooouu...”

~~~~

Finally asleep, but feel wide awake. Maybe I only believe I’m dreaming?

See a transparent Queen Maria entangled in her own ribbons, sitting on my moonlit windowsill.

Definitely a dream.

She doesn’t physically beckon, but I can feel her drawing me near all the same. My mother...

We embrace. Absolutely a dream, as ghosts cannot truly touch the living, or at least not without some sort of chill between them and the still-alive.

“Gillian...my son. Do not fret. Do not grieve. These actions shall send you to a fate far worse than the grave.”

I want to shout,Everything is a fate worse than death now! What would I give to die and be with my beloved and departed...with...you and Andy?

“You must live on. Death is not the answer.She addresses my inward brooding. “I cannot bear to see you like this, and neither can your love, I’m sure.”

“Andy! Where is he!? I want to see him...” I cry and slump to the floor, pathetically on my knees. “I want to see him, I want to see him, please...let me see him...”

”You shall met him again...in your new path of life...your new identity...I only wish one thing of you, my wonderful son...”My mother’s hair trails in the air as she floats over to comfort me, the ribbons twirling in all directions ethereally. “No matter what you do...as your new self...please promise me...you will do what truly makes you happy...Promise me...Pro...is...e...m...e... ...”

My mother’s image begins to fade, as her warm, motherly hands melt away from my shoulders. I grasp at their half-gone shapes desperately...

“Mother!” I cry out, tears in my eye, a little boy once more. “Mother!!...”

She’s gone.

But her voice remains to brush aside some dead leaves from the windowsill where she lay, her soft voice murmuring, “I am happy to see you grown up, my wonderful, wonderful son...”

And the leaves and my mother are forever departed.

How may I live to come to terms with Andy’s departure as well? A mother is one thing, a true love another.
~~~~

I seem to drift off again, or maybe I’m just waking up from my dream encounter with my mother. It was just a dream after all...and she had felt so real, so present...

...Perhaps Andy will be the one to visit now...

Kevin, solid as ever and more present that any ghost could ever be, inhabits my room instead.

Kevin McGregor.

“Yes, I.”

“What do you want?”

“Shh! I’m not really here! You’re dreaming.”

“I’m dreaming of murdering you right now for what you did to Andy.”

Kevin feigns jovial surprise. “Oh, was that today? I’d almost forgotten! Now, be sure to write and angst over this even a LOT, you hear me? Or I’m gone...”

“Then that’s precisely what I’m NOT going to do. The less you, the merrier.” Perhaps I simply imagined it, but at this declaration, Kevin’s body seemed to blur into the surroundings a bit, but then the illusion is gone.

“How harsh of you, birthday boy!”Kevin sulks melodramatically. “I see you’ve lost not only your inward charm but most of your outer appeal as well! Finally grown up after being a child for so loooooooong, hmm?” He saunters over to where I lay in my bed and takes my hand in his. They are the same size. “It won’t be too long now...”

“SHUT UP!!” My screeching must be loud enough to wake every guest sleeping in the palace. I snatch my hand fro Kevin’s and clamp both hands over my mouth. Beneath them, I feel the heat from a blush rising, an old reaction, still hard to break.

“Why did you have to torment Andy??” I mutter from underneath my hands.

“Ohhh, simple...” Kevin replies, and sits down at the foot of my bed. “It was justice, well due, for leaving me...excuse me, us...the way he did. So I had a little bit of fun with him.” His smile is anything but sincere. Repulsive and manipulative, it reeks of the worst of twisted Wonderlandian kind.

“But he knew! Andy was smart! He knew it was you!”

“Us...” Kevin sings as a correction.

“No. YOU.” I will remain firm on this point. Kevin McGregor and I shall never be one and the same. We are two different people and always shall remain as such until I can rid the world of him but making the right choices...

But the Right Choices...what exactly are they???

“Just accept your fate, Gilligan,” Kevin reads my mind again, calling me an infuriating old nickname from my first meeting with him. If only Edmund had never introduced us...

If only...!!

...No, attempts to change the past are impossible. By the next time I participate in that meeting, if I am unable to stop this runaway chain of events, it will be as...

NO.

“Hmm? Did the great Gilligan say something?” Kevin rests his head on his hands playfully, as if intently listening to my every word.

“Kevin you are nothing to me.”

As I suspected, Kevin’s spectacled eyes grow wide. “P...pardon?”

“Kevin...you...are nothing to me.” Now his body meshes into the image of the walls behind him. Yes.

“Say it once again, please? I’m afraid I must be...mishearing you...”

With all my might and fury and grief and sorrow, I bellow, “Kevinyouarenothingtome! And you always will be! You irrevocable terror, so help me, if it takes all night of repeating this virtuous phrase, I WILL MAKE YOU DISAPPEAR!”

Before my epiphany is through, the terrified Kevin rises from his perch and leaps out the window. I can sense him disappearing before he hits the ground.

Gone. Obliterated.

A sigh of relief from me. One look out the window. An imagining of Andy’s sweet face.

At last.

~~~~

I never saw Kevin McGregor again. I know, this statement mst seem obvious to the reader after what I’ve just recounted, but there is still as chance that he is alive somewhere.

Somewhere inside of me.

I must press on. I must live to protect and cherish the Wonderland I live in and have the pleasure to rule. I must appreciate everyone’s love and wishes, and treat them as they dotingly treated me, and as some still see the need to. Willful Lotti, considerate Alice, energetic Satsuki, stoic Edmund, and the cherished memory of Blotto, Queen Maria, and of course, most importantly, Andy...

If I keep these wonderful people in my heart, close and with me always, there will be no room for Kevin’s “justice” and deceit to creep inside. Wonderland, and I, shall live on.

Maybe even Andy, if I wish hard enough.

I can only hope.

That’s all any of us can ever imagine to do.


~~~~
LATENESS: A SLIGHTLY FAMILIAR FANTASY
THE END
~~~~