31. Flowers

I went insane
I'll be waking up for you
to wait for you
if deemed acceptable, I could become the treasure

I wasn't ever good enough & I felt myself dripping away & never thought I was feeling the truth
now I'm alive & I read what others think

spoken language
& useless numbers
& the crawling & crying & sacrifices I resolved to give away

& then the plate broke

was I really only sketching memories after all?
it's so difficult to tell when exactly I feel fresh after something like this.

it's always different, the way I made it up in my head.

but what if he hadn't
shown up

He touched my balls
he cupped my balls
doesn't matter
he's grasping my balls

& goddammit if they ever stopped to philosophize how important that would be
to me
I could rule the fucking world

I tried to remind myself that I needed an umbrella
but in the end I never went out
the date was cancelled on account of sun
fuck it all
my anthem, reeking out of my quivering, pathetic mouth
FUCK EVERYTHING

this is a dream world
none of you should ever worry
& should you ever blink in such a land
you will be sorry

& sobbing

did I ever tell anyone
why I didn't know anything
why I'd forgotten
you read the pulses I give

the silver screen I project my heart on
in your own private theatre
except for me, it was always crowded

I apologize to perfection

I apologize in absolution

I apologize for myself

the avarice & love
we never got to grasp

now I laugh

now I smile

it's always going to be insoluble from now on

on creation

my babies are accidental transvestites
castrated out of love
declawed by misery
I am a sadist of a god

but the pain I feel
when I forgot to appreciate myself
fucked away in an invisible vault
THAT ASSHOLE

but never doubt my hatred
for the realm we burrow down through
reading children's books about lobotomy
a lot of things are wrong so it turns out to seem right after all
in the end, correct?

wrong.

I'd answer if I remembered how to smile
how to listen
the voices I hear sing falsely
you are the chorus I hope they never reach before the are kicked off the stage

remind me of the nights when I felt old
buy me your affection
I'll sell the foolishness I kept locked away
& repaint the shelves that I continue to knock down
with my madness

THE IRE
BURNS
& THE SONG WILL
...
PERISH.

I'd write you more haikus than I could send
or a letter that doesn't rhyme
but I can't stand smothering you in mediocrity when I know
I'm only good at being a patron of a museum

the scent
the feel
smooth
flowers

I am left alone because I tire easily.

oN BorEdom<

i SEE A BEJEWELED TRiNKET i CANNOT REACH
MY GREED iMPALES ME
i'D LIKE TO EXPLORE THE FULL MOON
& CLAIM iT AS MY HOME
MY KINGDOM
DOMAiN

THOSE i LEFT UNPOSESSED
LiKE MY OWN LiFE
THE WORLD ONLY CRYiNG EYES CAN SEE WiTHOUT HOPE OF
FAILURE

SMiLE, MY DARKENED SOUL
MY FLY-BY-NiGHT PAiR-OF-WiNGS
THE MOST BEAUTiFUL OBJECT i SEEK
CANNOT BE MiNE
UNLESS YOU WiSH TO BE

BREAK MY LiMiTS
ALL THE RULES
i FORGOT TO MAKE
i FEEL LiKE A FOOL ON A DRUG i CAN'T ESCAPE

WHERE iS THE PLAYGROUND WE FORGOT TO OCCUPY
 TO GLEAN ALL THE MiSUNDERSTANDiNGS FREE FROM THEiR POSTS
& DEFiLE THE BONDS
THE CHAiNS
WE CAN NEVER ADORE TO SET OUR EYES UPON

FORGiVE MY INTENSiTY
THE TiGER'S EYE iS ABOUT TO BLiNK
& SO MY SONG WiLL FALL, SHALL FALL

THiS BEETH MY PROPOSAL.